What I SHOULD be . . .

Lately my brain has been so full everything. I can’t seem to find the peace I need; the settling of my mind as a gentle trust in Jesus takes hold.

But then I think, wait, I should be better by now, I should have already learned this trusting step, my worldly desires should have already died, my desires for the Lord should be more consistent, my level of trust should already be there. I should be more by now.

What if I am a defect? What if I am not enough, and will never be enough? What if pride is greater than me? What if my legalism comes back? What if I fall out of relationship with God? Ugh. The enormous mess of questions, concerns – worries really is what they are – and lack of trust in God stuffs my brain until I can no longer think straight. What’s the answer to not jump into the never ending vortex of worry and self-analyzing?

I usually run down that path of not being enough when I have not been in consistent relationship with Jesus; when my day begins rushed and I look to the world to see how relationships should function. Or I look at more mature Christians and become jealous of what God is teaching them; leading me to feel I am behind.

Mostly I haven’t stopped and asked Jesus what He thinks, what He says, what He is saying now. God has shown me three of the most dangerous things I do that hurt my relationship with Jesus.

1)      Not stopping.

Take that one in for a moment. Stop. Stop your thoughts, your to-do list. What’s the rush? Where are you going? What are you aiming for? You can’t earn God’s approval. Relationship with us is what Jesus died for, not for our works.

 2)   Not looking to the Word of God for answers.

Sometimes I rely on my feelings to let me know what’s up and what’s not. This is dangerous. As women, feelings can often cloud our judgement and keep us from realizing the truth. But we can’t let the way we feel dictate how we are going to see ourselves, our day, and our world. We must rely solely on what the Word of God says. The only way we can do this successfully is knowing, without a shadow of doubt, what God is telling us in His Word.

3)  Making up my own ideas of what a relationship with God should look like.

I don’t really know how to put this last one into words . . . I sometimes have my own ideas about how I should grow in God. I think I should learn this now, already know that; be able to take charge of this weakness, grow that strength . . .

I remember one night in my youth group we were asked, “Who is Jesus to you?” When I turned inward in prayer the Holy Spirit answered, “Victoria, I am your babysitter. I only can watch over you and guide you when you let me, but even then I can only do it by your made up rules.” Ouch! Pride alert! I realized my own expectations of what I thought our relationship should look like were really boxing in God and in turn, because of this, I could not grow and learn. I can’t be the one to teach myself. We can’t teach ourselves things we don’t know.

So please right now, stop. Most of the time we don’t want to stop because we can’t face our pain; we don’t know how to heal. We afraid of what Jesus will say; afraid of our own hearts.

He is gentle and humble in spirit. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He came to heal and bind up the brokenhearted. He knows what pain feels like. He can relate. He loves you. He died for you. Let him know what’s going on. For me right now I have to stop to reconnect. I feel like I look more like the world than His daughter right now, so I need to stop and talk with Him. Find out what He is saying; how He is moving and shaping me. I need to get back on the learning track with God. I need to humble myself, and let God back in His rightful place as Lord of my heart. All of it.

Lord Jesus,

You are bigger than my mind, heart, and feelings, you are greater and you love. Please forgive me for trying to be you in my own life.  Forgive my pride for trying to control you and for thinking that I know best, Father the word says you oppose the proud but you give grace to the humble. I humble myself and say I submit to you, Jesus. Thank you for your mercy, thank you for grace that we can grow in, thank you for forgiving me. I do love you Jesus. Amen.

Victoria Schafer is a high school senior who has a passion for Jesus and creativity. She has been involved with Share Her Story from the very beginning; designing the photo-shoot sets for the Fall ’16 Project, the Spring ’17 Project, and the Summer ’17 Project. She plans on attending college this autumn to pursue her love of knowledge and to sharpen her creative skills.

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